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Rickard
Joined: 22 Mar 2003
Posts: 1865
Location: I de östgötska skogarna (Valdemarsviks kommun)
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 Posted: Thu May 06, 2004 23:25 pm Post subject: Noveller |
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| Jörgen Fahlberg wrote: | Samtliga noveller skrivna av Jörgen Fahlberg (c)
I
Initium: Syndaflöde och diverse undergång
Skåden de exploderande skyarna. Den yttersta dagen är nära.
Armageddon från yttre rymden döper mänskligheten i svart ljus.
Dånet det dundrar och drämmer. Sinnena sviktar och förleds.
Ljudet av tusenden monotont malande maskiner överröstar nästan den soniska krigsföringen, som består av tongångar från bland annat Arvingarna och Ulf "jag trivs bäst i gamla rövhål" Lundell.
Och där ur eld, rök och piss di raskt stega fram.
Små gröna män på rad med enorma kukar och tvivelaktig bakgrund.
II
Xixxuat, den nedrige tyrannen från Mars, talar till massorna
...Zchhrrgt...gzzississit...aaeeooutzz...Hallå? ...Ett, två...krsschht...Vafan är det för jävla tjall med mikrofonen?....Okej...Nu hörs det...
Rövhål från Tellus! Fall på knä och sug!
Vi ämnar desinficera med helande laser! Tvaga i purifierande lava!
Skålen i thallium och bolmört! Mänskligt avskräde! Hundar till jordebarn!
Bereden väg för det nya imperiet. För di som talar i telepatiska tungor.
Hypnotisera! Avmagnetisera! Dehumanisera!
III
Unifierandets triumf
Styggelser sprungna ur kosmiskt kaos allierar sig.
Avlägsna släktingar och utomjordiska brödraskap drar sitt strå till stacken.
Di svekfulla fekalierna från ANUS 1. Di opålitliga folköls-kungarna från Gnarp. Di förståndshandikappade stjärnriddarna från mitten av intet.
Neo-astrala fistfuckers från Pluto. Mystiska karnivorer från Neptunus.
Kejsar Ming och Vampira. Lord Vader och Jabba the pung.
Face-huggers och chest-bursters. Den store Cthulhu och Nyarlathotep. Jeffrey Dahmer och Peter Suthcliffe. Marshall Applewhite och Runar Søgaard. Tillsammans di orgiastiskt prisa och lovsjunga den nya eran.
Spänningen stiger ombord på den biomekaniska moderfarkosten. Xixxuat lägger kluckande ett benigt finger på en knapp på kontrollpanelen. Klick! Först bara tystnad. Xixxuat väser ett irriterat: "Va fan?". Kort därefter syns skenet. Bländande likt tusen solars explosioner. Och ett par sekunder efter kommer bangen. En roundkick i solar plexus.
Den ljuder likt en legion skitsjuka mammutar.
IV
Ett lustingivande manifest
Segerns sötma berusar galaxens herrar. Moder jord drar ett sista andetag.
Metan-gasen ligger likt ett tjockt mormorstäcke över de livlösa massorna av mänskliga obetydligheter. Eftertrupper eliminerar allt eventuellt resterande liv genom strategiskt utplacerade ljud-anläggningar som spelar "World Wide Web" med Nick Borgen.
Segern skall med dekadens, lättja och interstellär sadism nu firas.
Klappar på axlar och diplom utdelas till höger och vänster.
Xixxuat och de andra oberäkneliga rymdherrarna har nu fullt upp med de intet ont anande mänskliga bundsförvanterna (som vid snarast möjliga tillfälle kommer att giftmördas med tunga toxiner såsom Budweiser och Hooch).
Dessa, bestående av diverse onanister till Livets Ord medlemmar, gnyr av okontrollerbar lusta och vill medelst polishandräckning omgående bög-hångla med Xixxuat och hans generaler.
Vänligt men bestämt avvisas dessa gnyende Uppsala-bor, med hänvisning till en fin gammal klyscha: Den som väntar på något gott...
V
En fröjdefull bankett
Bröder av tvångsmässigt onda gärningar och överdriven väderspänning!
Fröjden av di läckerheter vi nu erbjuda! Till bords!
MENU
.
Förrätt:
Blancherad giftpils-groda, Ångkokta Yucca-palmblad och Kavring.
.
Alternativt:
Blåsfisk på paltbröd
.
Huvudrätt:
Leif Loket Olsson
.
Alternativt:
Bruna bönor i fluor
.
Efterrätt:
Gul snö med vägsalt och singelgrus
.
Alternativt:
Arvingarnas skivkontrakt
.
Drycker:
Havsvatten
Blomstra
Thallium
Flytande kväve
.
VI
Into the hall of orgies!
Det adrenalinberusade, proppmätta sällskapets herrar och deras lätt illamående mänskliga bihang förflyttar sig till en väldig orgiesal.
Så småningom skall här bjudas på kaffe, knullmord och annan hedonistisk underhållning. En väldig scen har byggts upp, där diverse hemliga jordiska och utomjordiska musiker, performance-artister och fakirer inför kvällens ära skall uppträda. Kanske är det ett rykte, men det sägs att Ted Åström är kvällens hemliga huvudpunkt. Xixxuat lär ha betalat Ted tio miljoner dollar, två flaskor Whiskey och en enkel flygbiljett till Haiti, för att en sista gång uppträda som "Olyckan". Utan en tråd på kroppen, förstås.
Hursomhelst utlovas med säkerhet uppträdanden av underhållare som illusionisten Kent Labero (Joe's mindre framgångsrike bror), Den fege, trinde satanomagikern Al Ister Crowley (enligt egen utsago barnbarn till den ökände pederasten och flintskallen Aleister Crowley), samt den skönsjungande kvintetten Cannibal Corpse.
Timmarna går och festen når sitt klimax. I kör vrålas "Den blomstertid nu kommer" medans psykotiska, deformerade dvärgar lidelsefullt smeker av sig kläderna till "Macarena". Gravt druckna vältrar sig imperiets mästare i stuvad spenat och tunga metaller. Tungkyssar avlöser högerkrokar.
Boba Fett hånglar med Jabba. Luke Skywalker hittas dränkt på herrklossetten med sin laservärja uppförd i rectum.
I ett mörkt hörn någonstans i komplexet ligger de förutnämnda mänskliga bundsförvanterna. Kvidande och hyperventilerande går de en plågsam död till mötes. Det sista de hör är "olyckan" med Ted Åström, som dundrar fram ur den väldiga ljud-anläggningen.
Frampå småtimmarna uppträder det amerikanska horrorpunk-bandet Misfits, med gästsjungande Cyndee Peters.
Här var det livat, här var det glatt! Eller som Peter Sellers hade sagt:
"Oh! Vilket party!"...
VII
En narkotisk frukost
Den tunga stanken av bakfylla genomsyrar allt. De flesta sover, men vissa kan inte sluta kräkas. Solen kastar sina första strålar över den brokiga samlingen. Tyranner och svin från rymden ligger sida vid sida med förrädare från det som en gång var jorden. Om en kort stund är det dags för frukost. Ingen kan ju härska på fastande mage. De svettiga massorna börjar så sakteliga maka på sig, eftersom en fetlagd orientalisk transvestit låter en väldig gong-gong ljuda. Det är det svarta imperiets dag 1.
Frukost-buffé:
Inlagd mal flamberad i Yeni Raki.
Arkiverad fil-mjölk.
Get-mjölk med space-cakes.
Cyndee Peters.
När alla är mätta och belåtna och stämningen tycks vara harmonisk, ringer Xixxuat plötsligt i en klocka. Blickarna riktas mot mästaren i svart.
Hans svettiga latex-mask glänser vackert i solens morgonstrålar.
Flinande och med stor precision anordnar han en drypande fet joint.
Kort därpå sprider sig den söta doften av genmanipulerad cannabis över det väldiga frukostbordet. Boba Fett, den gamle pundaren, ler och börjar göra i ordning sin morgon-fix av finaste turkiskt heroin. Snart är samtliga i det bizarra sällskapet i färd med att avnjuta allsköns narkotikum.
Kluckande hjälper de varandra med tändstickor, rakblad och speglar.
Darth Vader doppar sina space-cakes i folk-öl. Jabba tar en näve ur skålen med metamfetamin och smaskar förnöjsamt.
Återstoden av morgonen ägnas åt diskussioner kring huruvida det är möjligt eller inte att skapa hybrider ur botaniska och animaliska organismer.
Cannabis Sativa och Tai-pan orm. Opium-vallmo och brasiliansk vandrarspindel. Coca-buske och Kristen Demokratisk Ungdom.
Sällskapet har förövrigt sparat cellvävnader från Loket Olsson, i rent kloningssyfte inför kommande banketter.
VIII
Snacka går ju
Här avslutar författaren sin berättelse. Detta på grund av den överhängande risken för repressalier om denna skrift faller i fel händer.
Xixxuats sök och förgör-droider scannar fortfarande efter jordsligt liv att utplåna. Det svarta imperiet har sedan länge förflyttat sig till någon annan planet. Undertecknad, skäggig och moloken, ämnar arkivera historien för den händelse att mänskligheten återigen skulle blomstra upp på den nu renskrapade planeten Tellus. Hur har då författaren lyckats undvika den gruvliga kataklysmen kanske någon frågar sig?
Mor och far sade alltid att ärlighet varar längst, så jag lägger mina kort fullt synliga på bordet:
Genom mutation, masturbation, korruption, manipulation, felaktig motion och degeneration. Med hjälp av Yeni Raki, folk-öl och ljunglöfs Ettan.
Jag har inte den ringaste aning om vad jag pladdrar om.
Men jag är hursomhelst den siste av mitt slag under bältet.
Och jag ämnar förtälja resten av denna historia vid ett senare och mer passande tillfälle. NOT!!!! |
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-Om ett jobb är värt att göras är det värt att göras ordentligt- |
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Delreich
Joined: 06 Nov 2002
Posts: 1649
Location: Linköping
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Rickard
Joined: 22 Mar 2003
Posts: 1865
Location: I de östgötska skogarna (Valdemarsviks kommun)
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| Posted: Fri May 07, 2004 12:06 pm Post subject: |
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Skulle jag vara sångaren i The Kristet Utseende? Nej du! (I wish  )
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-Every day of my life I'm forced to add another name to the list of people who piss me off!-
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-Om ett jobb är värt att göras är det värt att göras ordentligt- |
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Volvo 240
Joined: 13 Nov 2002
Posts: 6731
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| Posted: Fri May 07, 2004 12:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Accuracy International wrote: |
Skulle jag vara sångaren i The Kristet Utseende? Nej du! (I wish ) |
Jörgen i TKU måste va sjuk. hahahah. Men ja gillar hans sångröst iaf  |
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Rickard
Joined: 22 Mar 2003
Posts: 1865
Location: I de östgötska skogarna (Valdemarsviks kommun)
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| Posted: Fri May 07, 2004 13:02 pm Post subject: |
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| [KACFM]Volvo 240 wrote: | | Accuracy International wrote: |
Skulle jag vara sångaren i The Kristet Utseende? Nej du! (I wish ) |
Jörgen i TKU måste va sjuk. hahahah. Men ja gillar hans sångröst iaf |
Har du inte fattat att de är sjuka av deras texter? 
Men bra härliga är de iaf!
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-Om ett jobb är värt att göras är det värt att göras ordentligt- |
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FrankJScott
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FrankJScott
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FrankJScott
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FrankJScott
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FrankJScott
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FrankJScott
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FrankJScott
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